The Totally Epical Adventures of an Emo Hippie
by Queen of Stuff
Summary: At last, a bittersweet ending to this grammatical diarrhea! Now with zombies.
1. The thingy

It had all been a matter of time before Draco Malfoy would wake up with full body bindings in the passenger seat of Ferrari driven by Bellatrix Lestrange, but he was still shocked.

"What the fluff?" he screamed.

"Oh, you're alive," said Bellatrix sarcastically. "_Guten tag_, Draco."

"Where are we going?" asked Draco wearily.

"Road trip," said Bellatrix, turning up the volume on the radio. "There's a mother/son food extravaganza going on, and I couldn't miss the opportunity of waffles."

"But I'm not your son!"

Bellatrix smiled evilly. "The Muggles don't know that."

Draco sighed. "Can you at least take off the bindings?"

"Shut up! I'm trying to drive!"

"About that…when _did_ you learn how to drive?"

"Snape."

"!"

They drove for about ten minutes without speaking. It was then Draco realized that something was very wrong with the setting.

"Um, Aunt Bella?"

"That's Mom, emo!"

"Okay then…" said Draco. "Er, Mom? Why are we driving through the desert?"

"Oh, the extravaganza is in Texas," said Bellatrix casually. "But we _must_ get there first!"

"Don't you think the people that actually _live_ in Texas will get there before us?"

Bellatrix looked at him like he was mad. "What sort of screwy idea is that?"

Draco sighed and stared out of the window. "Does Mom know that I'm gone?"

"I'm here, aren't I?"

"I mean my _real_ mom. You know…the one that was pregnant with me for nine months?"

"Idiot. I was pregnant for two months."

"What? That doesn't make any sense! I wouldn't be alive if that was true!"

"Of course my daughter isn't alive. That's why I'm taking you."

Draco decided to drop the subject and glanced at the cactus outside of his—

"STOP CALLIN', STOP CALLIN', I DON"T WANNA TALK ANYMORE!" sang Bellatrix. "I LEFT MY HEAD AND MY HEART ON THE DANCE FLOOR!"

"Did you steal Dad's Lady Gaga CDs again?" asked Draco.

"Only the Fame Monster."

"You really are nuts—"

"OOOOOO! We're here!" screamed Bellatrix, making a spot in the parking lot.

"TRAMP!" screamed a prostitute. "That's my customer's spot!"

"FLUFF YOU!" shouted Bellatrix, dragging Draco by the hand. "Come on, love. I smell…nachos!"

They ran into the crappy, somewhat crammed building, and Bellatrix gasped.

"_You_," she whispered menacingly.

Marge Dursley stared at her, also holding her nephew's hand and a bucket of popcorn chicken. "Hello, mad woman."

"How the fluff are you still alive?" demanded Bellatrix. "The last time I saw you, you got sucked into an engine and got ground up into a bloody mess!"

"Like you, I'm a witch," said Marge, showing her wand. "And my good friend helped me…TOMMY!"

Bellatrix screamed in horror as Lord Voldemort stepped out of the shadows.

"Hello, Bella," he said quickly. "This isn't what it looks like—"

"How could you?" sobbed Bellatrix, grabbing his leg. "I thought _I_ was your mistress!"

"Not anymore!" cackled Marge.

"Well, _this _is weird," said Draco to Dudley.

"I know, right?" asked Dudley. "She does this every other week…"

"YOU WILL NOT HAVE SEXYMORT!" screamed Bellatrix, throwing her Pokéball. "Pikachu! THUNDERBOLT!"

"Dumpalog, dumpalog!"

"We need something more sophisticated!" cried Bellatrix. "More refined! So now, me go stabby-stabby!"

She threw her one and only favorite knife. It hit Marge— but she didn't die. Rather, she deflated.

"What the fluff?" screamed everyone but Marge, who laughed sadistically at her new Barbie body.

"Hasta lavista, baby!" shouted Marge, her Terminator eyes glowing. "I-_mrawwww_."

She jittered and fell to the floor, wires bursting out of her skull.

Draco stood triumphantly behind her, bowl of water in hand. "Technology," he said. "Go Apple! Dell, suck it!"

**Bellatrix got her food and continued to be Voldemort's mistress. **

** Dudley joined a dude ranch. **

** Draco became the next Lady Gaga. **

** As for Aunt Marge, she was never seen again.**


	2. I don't understand this

Bellatrix was devastatingly bored.

_Okay,_ she thought to herself as she listened to death metal. _I've gone ten whole minutes without listening to Lady Gaga…if I can reach eleven— _

"AAAAAH!" screamed Bellatrix. "I can't take it anymore!"

She ran downstairs and kicked down Lucius's door. "MALFOY!" she shouted, her eyes red with rage. "Where's the Fame Monster? _Where_?"

"Holy crap, Bella," said Lucius, looking up from the crack he was snorting. "I got rid of those nine minutes ago."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Cool it, man," said Lucius in disgust. "Did you forget to take your meds?"

"I took extra, just in case," whispered Bellatrix, eyeliner tears streaming down her face. "But _why_, Lucius? _Why_?"

"Marge wanted to borrow it," said Lucius casually.

"What?" shrieked Bellatrix. "She's still _alive?"_

"Well, duh," said Lucius. "The author, despite being fanatically devoted to you herself, really, really likes seeing you fight against the other candidate for Baddest Woman of the Series."

"I defeated Umbridge," said Bellatrix. "Alecto was nothing. But _Dursley_ as a candidate for Baddest Woman of the Series? NEVER! Hear that, author?"

Bellatrix, darling, I _wrote_ that.

"No! That's a fluffing lie!"

Shut up and ignore me.

But Bellatrix had started to ignore the author long beforehand, and now she was planning Marge's doom.

_She seems to be immune to everything that I can think of,_ thought Bellatrix, stroking her imaginary beard. _Even Justin Bieber! _

"Lucius, how should I defeat Marge Dursley?" she whispered.

"Why are you whispering?" whispered Lucius.

"I don't know…"

"Whatever, girlfriend," said Lucius, snapping his fingers. "I've got to watch Glee…it's the Madonna episode."

"Madonna?" asked Bellatrix, frowning. "Um, no offense, Lucy, but isn't she kind of…dead?"

"Not Mary, Bella. Like, you know… '80's?"

"Oh. Right."

Bellatrix sighed dramatically and bit off a Barbie head.

She stared mindlessly at the wall.

She read Twilight.

She set Twilight on fire and danced wildly around the room

Nothing worked. She couldn't think of a single way to kill Marge Dursley.

Draco was attempting to have a normal day for _once_ in his life. One day without some sick fan girl writing some sick sex scene about him squeezing Hermione Granger's boobies and getting her pregnant. One day without Rodolphus dancing wildly through his room naked. One fluffing day without finding some demented note about piggies.

Today was not that day.

"Draco!" screamed Bellatrix. "Draco! Draco! Or Dragon, if you like that nutty Mary Sue!"

"Who?" asked Draco, evidently confused.

Bellatrix shrugged. "I dunno. But Draco, I have a dream!"

Draco sighed. "What is it? I don't have any money."

"I'll pay you back later, _promise_!" said Bellatrix. "But Draco, this is urgent! And sort of stupid! But mainly urgent!"

"Let me guess—you saw Voldemort naked, and he has man boobs?"

"Math, no," said Bellatrix, shuddering at the thought. "But…MARGE IS ALIVE!"

Draco stared at her. "You've got to be kidding me."

"No! That bastard Lucius gave her the Fame Monster!"

Draco got up. "NOOOO!"

"So, will you help me kill her now?"

"Get my Nimbus 2011."

They shot off to the only place where Marge Dursley could be— at a little kid's birthday party.

"YOU!" shouted Draco, slamming open the door. "Where is it? _Where_?"

Wow, Draco, that was really out of character!

"Meh. Anyway, WHERE THE FLUFF IS IT?"

Marge laughed evilly and threw a glob of cake at them. "The Fame Monster is mine! MINE!"

"NEVER!" screamed Bellatrix, throwing herself at Marge, holding her favorite Webkinz in a way so menacing that Chuck Norris wet himself.

"FLUFF YOU!" shouted Marge as Bellatrix tackled her to the ground and began punching her wildly. "If you start to rape me like you did to Granger—"

"I NEVER RAPED HERMIONE!" screamed Bellatrix. "According to half the people that write this crap, we're relatives!"

"And according to the _other _half, you engage in kinky sex because Hermione is a lesbian and you're—well, screwed up!" retorted Marge.

"And _you_ made an emotionally challenged wizard go through a severe mood swing and INFLATE YOU!" screamed Bellatrix.

Marge responded to this in a scream. "I am WAY more hated than you will EVER be, Bellatrix Lestrange!"

"NO—FLUFFING—Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven WAY!" screamed Bellatrix, slicing Marge's throat. "BENJAMIN BARKER!"

Draco watched in satisfaction as Bellatrix **(I promise!)** brought the final, some what Sweeney Todd-rip off end to Marge Dursley.

_Nineteen Minutes Later_

"Come _on_, Draco!"

"I am not, repeat _not _dancing with you."

"Please? _Please?_"

Draco sighed. "Fine, fine…_stalker_."

Bellatrix smiled and cried out, "I know that we are young, and I know that you may love me, but I just can't be with you like this anymore!..._Alejandro_."

Draco reluctantly wrapped his hand around her waist, and they danced forever in the moonlight, never growing old, never dying, but happily ever after on _Jersey Shore_.


	3. what does this have to do with the plot?

**Greetings, my few viewers! Thank you, mew-tsubaki! Thank you, the Mozzy One! Thank you, kama 674! Thank you, hreft93! And you as well, SEN! YEAH! REVIEWS! (sorry about the slight pointlessness of this chapter…it just came to me)**

It was a freakishly hot Tuesday, and Lucius Malfoy was tanning as he did on every freakishly hot day of the week.

"I want your love and all your lover's revenge, you and me could write a bad romance," he sang to himself, flipping through Tiger Beat. "Ooh, Draco! C'mere! Katy Perry died of a chest cold!"

"Oh, that's terrible," said Draco lifelessly. "Mum'll freak big time…RUSH!"

Lucius frowned. "Eeeuw. I _hate_ that show…it's just a rip off of the Beatles."

"And _High School Musical_ is just a rip off of _Grease_, but I don't rub that in _your_ face."

At that moment, a drawn out cry of agony pierced the air, and Narcissa burst through the door, tears running down her face.

"Oh my God," she sobbed, her long, ultra-Sue blonde hair shimmering in the light. "Katy Perry died of a chest cold!"

"Cool," said Lucius, thumbing through his magazine like nothing had happened. This only made Narcissa cry harder.

"It's okay, Mum," said Draco softly. "I guess you know how Dad felt last year when Lady Gaga died from that freak accident involving a pig."

Lucius burst into tears immediately and couldn't be on air any longer. Narcissa wiped her eyes and went back into Sue-ness. "Draco," she said. "Your aunt will be visiting us today with some obviously mysterious news."

"Ah, crap," said Draco. "You know what happened the _last_ time Bellatrix had obviously mysterious news…"

PLAY FLASHBACK:

_"NOOOOO!" screamed Lucius, grabbing his hair. "Gaga have mercy—AAAAAAAH!" _

END FLASHBACK

"Well, that _was _pretty disastrous," admitted Narcissa, "but she sounded rather depressed over the iPhone."

Draco sighed and did a face palm "We're boned."

"I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT!" screamed Narcissa suddenly. "KATY FOREVA!"

"Well, TONIGHT I'M LOVIN' YOU!" screamed Draco.

**(hamster dance +sugar high +a frozen waffle=hyped up author)**

A loud roar from the sky caused all of the Malfoys to scream and look up at the thingy that caused the noise.

"It's a bird!" shouted Lucius.

"It's a plane!" squealed Narcissa.

"It's a…what the fluff _is_ that?" asked Draco.

The question was well asked. However, the mysterious thing was heading straight towards them, and this fact could _not_ be ignored.

"Guys," whispered Lucius as he held them together, "I just wanted to say that…that I lo—"

The object suddenly became clearer, and the Malfoys pulled away from each other immediately.

"Glad _that's_ over," said Narcissa quickly.

Bellatrix and Rodolphus fell solemnly, landing in the pool with little grace.

"My EDDRW!" shouted Lucius. "What the math was that dramatic entry for?"

"Two terribly tragic things have occurred," whispered Rodolphus. "One: we read My Immortal aloud to the Longbottoms, and instead of torturing them, they just died. Two: we're pregnant."

"Oh, that's wonderful!" exclaimed Narcissa, hugging Bellatrix. "When're you due?"

Bellatrix bent down. "Never."

"What do you mean, never?" asked Lucius. "I mean, you _are_ preg—"

He froze upon realization. "Oh fluff no."

"It's true," whispered Rodolphus. "I'm pregnant."

Everyone (besides Bellatrix) stared at him in horror. "How—how did this happen?" whispered Draco.

"We were at a party," said Bellatrix. "With some of our friends in…New York."

Narcissa did a face palm. "Are you kidding? You went to a gay party? You _know_ they find Rodolphus irresistible!"

"I know, I know," said Rodolphus quickly. "And so do all of the women. But we were playing seven minutes in heaven—"

"And he got knocked up," said Bellatrix, flopping down onto a chair lifelessly. "And we need a wire coat hanger. _Now_."

**Twenty Minutes Later**

"Well, _that_ was painful," said Rodolphus, stretching out on the bed. "Thanks, Lucius."

"Your welcome," said Lucius, vomiting into the waist bin. "Now, who's up for a sing-along?"

"YEAH!" shouted all of the characters previously mentioned. "HOT and DANGEROUS—"

**(shudder) **_**Ugh**_**. Ke$ha. **

** Reviews will be worshipped. **

** I'll try to update soon…stupid math homework.**


	4. Is there a plot?

It was raining, snowing, and doing whatever weather scheme possible to keep the sun away from Hogwarts. My Chemical Romance and Good Charlotte were playing in Hogsmeade. And of course, vampires were everywhere.

It was going to be a totally emo day.

"God, this isn't totally depressing," said Draco sarcastically. "All we need is Coldplay, and this day will be perfect."

"Shut up," said Lucius, applying some black lipstick. "Hot Topic will fire me if they know my son hates skinny jeans."

"Whatever," said Draco. "Can you please remind me why this looks eerily like the setting of My Immortal?"

"Well, duh. This _is_ the setting of My Immortal, or as some people call it, Forks, Washington gone British."

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

"Cool it, man," said Bellatrix, passing him a donut. "It's just a torture procedure that I couldn't deny."

"You," murmured Draco, "change your mind-like a girl-changes clothes…"

Suddenly, a girl with long ebony black hair with purple streaks and red tips that reached her mid-back with icy blue eyes like limpid tears and pale skin came running up to them. She was wearing all black and sort of looked like Amy Lee, and she was the most terrifying thing in the world.

"Hi, Draco!" she screamed depressively. "My name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, and—"

"NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP! NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN!" screamed Bellatrix. "Quick, Draco! The American Eagle polo! PUT IT ON HER!"

Ebony screamed as Draco ran up to her and forced the pink polo over head and on to her shitty 'goffic' clothes. "NOOOOO!" she screamed. "I'LL NEVER SEE JOEL MADDEN EVER AG—"

"Thank Gaga that's over with," said Lucius. "Bella, you can drag the body."

"YAH!" screamed Bellatrix, picking up Ebony's limp body with little effort. "Wow, this girl is fat. I think she might be a size zero!"

Draco sighed and walked up to the flying car parked conveniently in the tree. On the ride home to the manor, they listened to 'Black and Yellow', 'Pretty Boy Swag', and 'ABC's with Elmo'. All seemed to be going well until they opened the door.

Bellatrix leaned over and vomited into Ebony's hair. "Math!" she cursed. "I feel like a fluffing—"

"Language, Bella," said Narcissa. "Are you okay?"

Bellatrix frowned. "I dunno. I've just felt really weird since I started dragging around that Mary Sue."

A hand flew up to Narcissa's mouth. "Oh, crap," she whispered. "You have Sue-itis."

"_What_?" cried the onlookers.

Narcissa gave herself a face palm. "Um, Sue-itis? The highly contagious disease of the Mary Sue?"

"Wh-what does it do?" whispered Lucius.

"It makes you perfectly perfect and never have any problems."

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Bellatrix. "I freaking _am_ a problem!"

"Wait—there's a cure!" said Narcissa. "But it's super painful and potentially life threatening."

"I'm in," said Bellatrix. "Anything for my deranged awesomeness."

Narcissa bit her lip. "Okay," she said, "but don't say I didn't warn you."

And then she hit Bellatrix across the face.

"What the fluff?" cried Bellatrix, holding her eye. "What—"

Lucius hit her next, then Draco, and Narcissa again. This continued until Bellatrix lay on the floor, convulsing and black and blue. Then Narcissa dragged her by the hair into the kitchen.

"Okay, Hermione!" she called. "She's all yours!"

Hermione Granger ran out from no where, smiling ecstatically. She wore nothing but fishnets.

"Hi, Bella!" she squealed. "Because I'm secretly a lesbian, I'm going to take this as an opportunity to orally pleasure you!"

"Oh _f_— no," whispered Bellatrix, but it was too late. Her legs were spread, and Hermione's tongue was in her—

"Wow," said Draco, eyes bugging out of his head. "Mum…is this really necessary?"

"Shh," whispered Narcissa, looking away from her camcorder. "This is really good!"

"It felt so wrong, it felt so right!" sang Bellatrix hysterically. "Don't mean I'm in love tonight!"

"I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT!" screamed everyone in the manor. "THE TASTE OF HER CHERRY CHAPSTICK!"

"I KISSED A GIRL JUST TO TRY IT!" shouted Hermione, licking her lips. "HOPE MY BOYFRIEND DON'T MIND IT!"

Draco had been having a pretty good time up until this point. This was because Narcissa's Blackcest gene had just kicked in, and she ran into the scene, stripping as she went along.

"YEAH!" screamed Narcissa. "YEAAAAAH!"

"OH MY FLUFF!" shouted Lucius, restraining her. "What _was _that?"

Narcissa panted and grasped outwards. "Please," she whispered hoarsely. "Must…kiss…"

All the while, Bellatrix was realizing the wrongness of Hermione Granger sticking her tongue into her…chamber of secrets. "AHHH!" she screamed, shoving her off. "GET THE FLUFF OFF OF ME!"

Narcissa immediately reverted back into her normal heterosexual housewife mode. "What the math happened?..oh, Bella's cured. Good job."

And she ran up the stairs, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Well…" said Draco slowly. "That wasn't totally un-canon…"

**No cursed math homework, thank Gaga. I love you all…except for Edwart. DIE, EDWART! DIEEE! **

**Reviews are mandatory.**


	5. So there isn't a plot

** THANK YOU ALL! These reviews are making me all gooey inside…not in that diarrhea way. Eeeuw, thank Gaga no… **

** Here's some stupidity, Disney Channel style!**

Draco had seen a lot of extremely disturbing things in his puny life. One of these things was the music video to 'If I Had You' by Adam Lambert. Another was the Ebony/B'loody Mary reunion on BBC. But out of all of the terrible things he had seen, _this_ had to be the worse.

"You should give back to your community!" encouraged Miley Cyrus. "Save the whales! Eat the tofu! And most importantly, buy my new hit single, Country Girl Moves To California And Immediately Gets Pregnant! Based off my life!"

"That was _disgusting_," said Lucius loudly, changing the channel to Jersey Shore. "Draco, go get me some Bud Light."

Draco sighed and went into the kitchen. Bellatrix was dancing on the counter, playing her ukulele and singing.

"Hi, Draco!" she shouted. "What're we gonna do today?"

"How should I know?" asked Draco, making some Count Chocula with blood. "And while we're at it, I don't know _why_ Lady Gaga likes to poison people in her music videos. She just _does_."

"Yeah…" said Bellatrix, shaking her head. "I was actually thinking that we could just kill off the Disney corporation, but we could always just read My—"

Lucius ran in. "The Disney corporation?" he asked breathlessly. "I'm in."

Bellatrix smiled. "Let's kill some tween icons."

**L A T E R**

Nick Jonas stumbled up the stairs and began to laugh hysterically.

"Like, awesome!" he muttered. "It's like, a like, rollercoaster!"

"Hey, Nicole," shouted Kevin. "The doorbell rang. Get it or I'll do something slightly ominous to you."

Nick continued to walk drunkenly to the door. He struggled momentarily to open it…and then he saw the doorknob!

"Hey," he said, grabbing his crotch. "Are you the hooker Joe ordered?"

"Um…_no_," said Bellatrix uncomfortably.

"Cool," said Nick. "JOE! THE HOOKER'S HERE!"

Joe, Kevin, and Justin Bieber ran into the room, panting like overheated coyotes. "YEAH!"shouted Justin. "IT'S A WOMAN!"

"Yeah!" screamed all of the pre-pubescent boys. "WOM—"

"_Avada Kedavra."_

"Oh, come _on_," whined Lucius. "No torture? No rape?"

"Dude," said Bellatrix. "I plan to rape _only_ the girls. They're more…fun."

"Cough bisexual cough," hacked Draco.

Bellatrix punched him and pulled her hood over her eyes. "To the Cyrus house."

**E V E N M O R E L A T E R **

Miley Cyrus was drinking again.

"MILEY!" screamed her father. "Get your fat Mac down here, lazy Ke$ha!"

"FLUFF YOU, DAD!" screamed Miley as she texted on her tiny little iPhone.

Something was tap-tap-tapping on her window. It was really starting to bug the math out of her, so she ran up to close it.

"OH MY GOD!" she screamed. "STRAIGHTEN YOUR HAIR ALREADY!"

Lucius burst through the door with Draco, and Bellatrix flung herself through the window. Miley stared at the wall as if nothing happened and immediately went on to Facebook.

"What the fluff?" asked Lucius. "Why isn't she screaming in horror?"

"I think it's the loss of brain cells from working with Disney," said Bellatrix quietly, holding up her favorite weapon. "DIE!"

And she hurled herself at Miley Cyrus, encyclopedia in hand.

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Miley Cyrus. "I CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING OVER A KINDERGARTEN EDUCATION!"

Bellatrix laughed maniacally. "READ!" she shrieked. "READ THE FLUFFING BOOK!"

"God, Bella," said Lucius. "We need Kill Bill violence, remember?"

"Oh, yeah," said Bellatrix, lacing up her combat boots. "Let's do this."

And she jumped up, did a cheesy karate move, and began to shoot Miley Cyrus with her favorite and only revolver in slow motion.

"Tell Daddy I hate him!" shouted Miley before collapsing into a bloody heap on the floor.

"Well," said Draco, "all of the others have been killed by freak accidents involving pigs. Let's go home."

But Bellatrix was on a killing spree, and she refused to be stopped. "That stupid P!nk song is stuck in my head!" she screamed. "You know…the one with a destructive music video!"

"So What?" asked Lucius.

"Yeah…that one," said Bellatrix, raising her chain saw. "Let's be destructive!"

"Who should we kill?" asked Draco.

"The worst unregistered Animagus of all time," said Bellatrix, smiling evilly. "Jacob Black."


	6. Moo

**I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in ages! My evil, evil captors have stolen my computer privileges! Until now! **

** Any who… here's some really shitty crap. **

Draco Malfoy sighed and chewed his nicotine gum.

Bellatrix and Lucius were reenacting Bad Romance again, twitching and dancing and wearing weird hats.

"This is…disturbing," whispered his girlfriend Astoria. "What are they _doing_?"

"They do this every single day," said Draco. "Just like how you get an abortion…_every single day_."

Astoria shrugged. "Hey. I watch _Jersey Shore_. That should be a good excuse, right?"

"NA NA NA!" screamed Tonks, bursting through the door. "I LOVE MCR!"

"You _what_?" asked Bellatrix, falling off her platform, machine gun bra shooting Dumbledore.

Lucius sighed and helped her up. "My Chemical Romance, Bella," he said. "That's why Andromeda and her spawn were kicked out."

"Oh…yeah," said Bellatrix. She brushed herself off, threw a bottle at Tonks. "What should we do today?"

"Well…" said Lucius, scratching his imaginary beard. "We could always just…drink and watch iCrappy."

"Eeeuw, Gaga no," said Draco loudly. "Puppets are way more entertaining."

"Let's see…which celebrities have we _not_ killed?" asked Bellatrix.

"Augusten Burroughes?" asked Narcissa, folding her Sue-legs.

"No, he's too awesome," said Bellatrix. "How about Nicholas Cage?"

"He died from richness," said Draco, pushing Astoria out of a window. "How about instead of killing celebrities we just try to do something slightly productive?"

"I am _so_ not having kids," said Bellatrix as she backed up against the wall.

"No, no," said Draco quickly. "I meant like doing something that _doesn't_ involve killing people left and right."

His parents and his aunt stared at him for a moment; then they started laughing hysterically.

"Oh, man, you're a riot," said Bellatrix, wiping away her eyeliner tears. "That's almost as stupid as me dating Arthur Weasley."

Draco shuddered at the thought and looked away. "Mum?" he asked. "Why does everyone always laugh at my ideas?"

"Sweetheart, you're a whiny sexually-confused albino emo," said Narcissa, scratching his head. "It's just in your nature to be laughed at."

"That _really_ helps," said Draco, holding his head in despair. "I think—I think—I LOVE HER!"

The audience ignored the wall and looked at him. "What the fluff are you talking about?" asked Lucius.

"Ebony!" screamed Draco depressively. "She is mah lifeblood! She is who I think of when I masticate!"

"You think of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way when you chew?" asked Bellatrix in disgust. "I _so_ didn't just lose all of my little respect for you…"

"What's wrong with him?" asked Lucius in horror as his son started convulsing and screaming softly.

"He must be addicted to EDDRW," said Narcissa quietly.

"_What_?" asked Rodolphus, who had appeared out of nowhere.

"EDDRW," repeated Narcissa. "It's basically this super jacked up version of LSD and every cotton candy brand imaginable…I'm not sure if it can be cured…"

"That sucks," said Bellatrix. "But at least you can have a replacement baby like in _My Sister's Keeper_ and give him all of the good parts."

"Bella, that's sick," said Narcissa, slipping into her Concerned- Mother mode. "Anyway, I'm not sure if it can be cured entirely, but I'm pretty sure there's some reversal drugs that he could take…"

"Such as?" asked Lucius worriedly.

Narcissa went pale. "We're going to lock him in a closet…with Harry Potter."

"Cissy, _that's_ sick," said Bellatrix, wrapping her spare arm around Draco. "Everyone knows that if they get locked in a closet together, hot gay sex will occur, and then mpreg, and then Harry'll have like, multiples, and then—"

"Bella, shut up," interrupted Lucius. "What are the odds to that even happening?"

**L A T E R**

"Well…this is sort of…awkward," said Harry as he pressed against Draco in the tiny little closet. "Do we _really_ have to do this?"

"I am…sort of turned on," admitted Draco. "Not like I'm totally against that, but _still_. What will Astoria think?"

"Fluff Astoria," said Harry, ripping off his leather pants. "Let's see that vampire tattoo, shall we?"

** O U T S I D E O F T H E C L O S E T **

"They've been in there for a while," said Rodolphus uncomfortably.

"Don't worry," said Narcissa. "That's all part of the process."

Bellatrix snorted. "When you become a grandmother to Gayby, don't say I _didn't_ warn you, sweetheart."

And with that, there was a cliff hanger ending…

**Once again, SO sorry I haven't updated for ages! Blame my parental units! And my dirty mouth! **

** If anyone has suggestions, just PM me or leave one of those deliciously sexy reviews…though I might get grounded again and have to wait for…shiver ages. **

** Love you! (stay away from Disney!) **


	7. Is there any point at all?

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind was winding, the thunder was thundering, and the rain was raining.

Malfoy Manor was filled with screaming.

"Gaga have mercy!" screamed Lucius.

"Make it stop!" moaned Rodolphus.

"THIS IS PURE TORTURE!" shrieked Bellatrix, crying hysterically while rocking back and forth in the corner.

"Holy math, it's just Twilight," said the irritated Narcissa.

"EXACTLY!" screamed everyone in the room, continuing to die of mental scarring.

"Just…turn it off," whispered the exhausted Draco. "Mummy…it's doing weird things to us all…"

"My teeth!" screamed Bellatrix. "My beautiful, decaying teeth!"

She opened her mouth and to the shock of the audience, fangs were beginning to emerge.

"Oh Gaga, it's happening to me, too!" screamed Lucius as he started to sparkle in the light of a solar powered lamp. "JUST TURN OFF THE FLUFFING MOVIE!"

"Wait," said Narcissa distantly. "It's getting really good…"

"AAAAH!" screamed Bellatrix. "I think—"

She was cut off as Lucius screamed in horror as his hair started to mangle together, whirling and swirling until—

"HOLY FLUFF!" screamed Draco. "MY DAD HAS DREAD LOCKS!"

"What is the world coming to?" sobbed Bellatrix as she started to wear Narcissa's favorite fur coat. "_What? WHAT?"_

Aetheosmo, Bella! Cool it.

"But we're all turning into vampires!"

I know. Just be glad that you aren't having some freaky vampire baby—

"Why are you smirking?" asked Bellatrix, chest rising and falling at a rapid pace. "Why are my perfectly disgusting teeth back? Why am I taking off Cissy's coat and picking up this backpack and getting into this unattractive truck? Why—AAAAAAAH! HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU?"

She had every right to say this because she was suddenly wearing skinny jeans and weird oversized jackets and holding hands with—

"Oh. My. Gaga," whispered Bellatrix in ecstasy. "Hi, Sexymort."

"Hello, Bellatrix," said Voldemort with great discomfort. "Do you have any idea why we're here?"

"No clue," lied Bellatrix. She had read the Twilight series and was completely aware of what was going to happen. "Hey…there's Lucius. What does he want?"

Lucius ran up to them and sat on Voldemort's foot. "Hey, Voldemort," he said, snickering slightly. "When's the wedding?"

"The—" began Voldemort.

"Today!" Bellatrix blurted out. "Right now! That's why I'm wearing this—holy math, I'm wearing a dress!"

And she was, while the stunned Voldemort wore a tuxedo. "Well, _this_ isn't totally unexpected," he said, biting his lip (or lack thereof).

Suddenly, Snape popped up, dressed as a nun. "Do you, Marilyn Manson, take Lady Gaga as your lawfully wedded husband?"

"Wait, wait, wait," repeated Voldemort. "We're not shock artists."

Snape shrugged. "Meh. In the name of Badness, you have been united in holy matrimony. Go have sex on a beach."

The scenery changed quickly, and suddenly Bellatrix was in the middle of a badly written sex scene with…

"SEXYMORT!" she screamed. "SEXYMOOOOOORT!"

"Shut up, I'm trying to have an orgasm!" shouted Voldemort, secretly enjoying himself. "But until that point, just cry and act like I'm raping you, okay?"

Bellatrix nodded and began to do precisely as he said.

This went on for about three minutes.

Then she puked.

"Eeeuw, Bella!" shouted Voldemort. "You got that all over the inside of the toilet!"

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry!" moaned Bellatrix, continuing to vomit. "Please…make me some eggs!"

"What?" asked Voldemort, totally enraged. "Eggs? You want _eggs_ at a time like this?"

"Yes," whispered Bellatrix, upchucking blood.

Voldemort seemed shocked. "Oh…okay, than."

When he left, Bellatrix stood up, stared at her reflection, turned around a few times, changed her clothes, got liposuction, and ate a lollipop. "Unbelievable," she said in awe. "But mainly screwed up."

Voldemort walked back in, holding a plate of eggs. "You want eggs?" he asked. "Make them your—_holy math_! When did _that_ happen?"

He was referring to way too obvious…_thing_ that the author is way too immature to mention. Like…you know pregnant ladies? And vampire pregnant ladies? Um…yeah. It was like that.

"So…Bella," said Voldemort quietly, still staring at the—AHHHH!—thingy. "Do you. Want. An. Abortion?"

"No. I. Do. Not. Want. An. Abortion," said Bellatrix slowly. "But. Technically. This. Thing. Will. Kill. Me. So. I. Guess. That. Is. The. Only. Option."

The scenery shifted again, and they were in…

"Holy math, where _are_ we?" asked Bellatrix, happily not a freaky pregnant vampire anymore.

"We're obviously back at the Manor, Bella," said Voldemort, slumping on a couch. "I guess the author got bored after the bad sex scenes in Breaking Dawn and just forgot all of the crazy math that happened afterwards."

"Yeah," said Bellatrix. "But something doesn't feel quite right…"

At that exact moment, Draco ran into the room, screaming.

"Oh, hey, my adorable little emo boy," said Voldemort, ruffling his hair in a pedophilish way. "How are you today?"

"Harry had the baby!" screamed Draco. "And then the baby got Hermione's time turner and zapped himself back seventy years!"

"Okay, so?" asked Bellatrix.

Draco held up a photograph. "LOOK!"

Voldemort peered at the picture and fainted.

It was him.


	8. This story needs to be exorcised

**Final chapter! Ever! So, if you read, review! Or else! I love you!**

The ghost of Lady Gaga sighed and continued to draw crosses all over her see through thong.

Unbeknownst to the majority of Earth, every year there was a great battle of the bands between the four ghosts of no talent—Justin Bieber, Ke$ha, Katy Perry, and Lady Gaga. There were side attractions like Eminem and Rhianna, but no one really cared because Gerard Way came every year dressed like Party Poison, and that was so _friggn' cool_! But anyway, there was this huge, rather pointless competition every year and the winner got a year's supply of Charleston Chews. Lady Gaga _really_ needed those Charleston Chews—there was going to be a show in a few days where she planned to make the stage out of candy, and Charleston Chews are so _friggin' awesome_!

So, Lady Gaga was driving around mindlessly in the Pussy Wagon with Beyoncé when suddenly—

"Gaga?" asked Beyoncé from the back seat. "This isn't the time to wear your Paparazzi costume. I mean, I know you're into the whole 'wear what you find in the subway' kind of thing, but a torrent of blood coming from your chest while you're _driving_? Isn't that kind of stupid?"

Lady Gaga choked on her blood (celebrity's ghost's pretty much just die over and over again) and pulled over into the driveway of a kick-ass manor house. Realizing that Gaga _wasn't_ pulling a Marilyn Manson on her, Beyoncé shrieked and ran away.

A tallish boy with a blonde version of Justin Bieber's hair, emo arms, and a totally magical piece of _something_ on his shirt left over from Chapter One looked at Lady Gaga curiously. He stared at her sunglasses, then her telephone hat, and then her see through clothing. Finally, he noticed that she had blood dripping from her chest, and he knew exactly who she was.

"OH MY GOD IT'S LADY GAGA!"

Almost immediately a half naked blonde man ran out of the house, wearing his drag queen tutu. "WHERE?" he screamed. "WHERE IS GAGA?"

A man with a rat face (who had, mind you, been watching this entire time) popped out of the bushes and pointed at Lady Gaga. "THERE!1" **(couldn't resist pulling a Tara)**

Suddenly, all of the inhabitants of the Malfoy Manor were crowded around the slowly dying Lady Gaga, screaming her name and humping the air.

"I totally fluffing love you!" screamed Wormtail, showing off his metal penis warmer. "I'm a transvestite!"

"For Gaga's sakes, I am _not_ a f**king transvestite," coughed Lady Gaga.

Bellatrix laughed and pointed an incredibly dirty fingernail at Wormtail. "Don't f**k with the Gaga!"

Narcissa (always the sensible one) peered down at Lady Gaga. "Holy crap, I think she's dying!"

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Lucius and Bellatrix.

"What should we do?" asked the not-hysterical Draco.

"I…this happens every few years…" whispered Lady Gaga. "And when I regenerate, I'm usually a baby…"

"But what about battle of no talent?" asked Voldemort, hyperventilating.

Lady Gaga smiled weakly. "Will you guys…hack hack sing there for me? I'd really appreciate it, and I'll regenerate as one of your kids."

Lucius brought himself face to face with his love. "Really?" he whispered, staring into her sunglasses. "Would you really do that for me?"

"Um, sure. I guess," said Lady Gaga.

Lucius turned to face his audience. "We're in."

**R E H E A R S A L **

"Okay," said the giant carrot. "I call Telephone. Draco can do Boys, Narcissa can do Money Honey, Voldemort can do Poker Face, and Wormtail—"

"Why can't I do anything?" whined Bellatrix, who was wearing her favorite straightjacket. "I'm the smexiest person here!"

"Fine, fine," said Lucius with a wave of his orange hand. "Bad Romance or Paparazzi?"

Bellatrix frowned. "But _Lucius_, both of those songs convey me to be either a prostitute or a stalker!"

"Which you _are_," reminded Rodolphus. "I want to sing Speechless."

"Of course," said Bellatrix glumly. "He _has_ to pick the one song that tells the world about our failing marriage."

"Quit it, guys," snapped Lucius, adjusting his orange underwear. "Bella, Bad Romance or Paparazzi?"

"Better a prostitute than a stalker," muttered Bellatrix, goggling at Voldemort. "_Wormtail_ can do…um…EH, EH (NOTHING ELSE I CAN SAY)!"

"Why's that all capitalized?" queried Draco, stroking his imaginary beard.

"Shut up, you ludacris fool!" shouted Lucius, ripping out some of his bleached hair. "I'm _trying_ to practice!"

"Oh, so _that's_ what that dreadful choking noise was," giggled Bellatrix, running her hands (wait, wasn't she in a straightjacket?) through her hair. "Toby, go get you father some gin."

"My name isn't—"

Bellatrix stared at him threateningly and he scurried off like the adorable ferret boy he was.

"That's M-O-N-E-Y, so sexy, I—" began Narcissa.

"DRACO, I said _Boys_, not Dance in the Dark!" pouted Lucius.

"But _Dad_, I wasn't even singing Dance in the Dark!" moaned Draco depressively. "I was—"

"I WANT YOUR PSYCHO, YOUR VERTIGO SHTICK!" screamed Bellatrix as she began to crush Voldemort with her pelvis. "WANT YOU IN MY REAR WINDOW BABY IT'S SICK—"

"DUDE!" shouted the viewers. "UNCOOL!...please keep doing it."

From inside one of the cast, Lady Gaga's soul sighed and held it's adorable little (poker) face. "Oh _f**k_…"

**F I N A L E**

The battle of No Talent had just begun. Okay, it actually started thirteen minutes ago, but the camera crew were late.

The cast stood confidently in their (Lady Gaga's) dressing room. "This is going to be so fluffing awesome," said Lucius dreamily. "We're _so_ going to win this thing."

"Whatever," said Bellatrix, smearing blood across her face. "Hey, Cissy. Pass me a fag, will you?"

"Okay," agreed Narcissa, handing her Wormtail.

Draco stood nervously across the room, his hair bleached and spiked up in all directions. Because this _was_ the only time in his life he could dress in whatever he wanted and not get yelled at, he decided to wear the most awesome thing he had in his closet—a v-neck sweater from the *80's. Lucius approved of it, seeing as it was weird enough to pass for a Lady Gaga concert.

"Okay, guys," said Voldemort. "Just remember—this will be on _live_ television."

"So we should threaten the camera man?" asked Snape.

Voldemort smiled and ruffled his greasy penguin hair. "See, _that's_ why you're my right hand man."

"AND NOW WE HAVE THE BAND THAT'S TOO AWESOME TO HAVE A NAME!" shouted the loudspeaker. "COVERING FOR….LADY GAGA!"

They ran out onto the stage, smiling evilly while wearing an assortment of household appliances and stuff they found in thrift stores. Each member stood in one of the several spotlights that circled the stage, and then, Draco started to sing.

"_We are the crowd, were c-comin' out_," he sang in a surprisingly awesome soprano. "_Got my flash on it's true, need that picture of you it's so magical…we'd be so fantastico."_

"Holy math, Lucy," whispered Bellatrix. "He's _good_."

"_Leather in jeans, garage glamorous,_" continued Draco as his popularity among the crowd started to rise. _"Not sure what it means, but that photo of us it don't have a price; ready for those flashing lights—because you know that baby I—_"

"I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN, I'LL FOLLOW YOU UNTIL YOU LOVE ME!" interrupted Bellatrix, sick of not being the center of attention. "PAPA, PAPARAZZI!"

**L A T E R **

"Well, thank God _that's_ over," sighed Narcissa as they got home. "Where's Lady Gaga? I think she'll want this trophy."

"Remember, Cissy?" asked Lucius. "She said she regenerate as our kid!"

Voldemort paused abruptly. "Not _your_ kid, Lucius," he said slowly. "She said 'as one of _your_ kids'. That could be _any_ of us."

"Oh, _come on_," laughed Bellatrix, pulling of her Gaga wig. "Like, I had a friggin wine glass pierce my uterus. I don't think—"

She covered her mouth and ran to the bathroom. Lucius _slowly_ turned to Rodolphus, eyebrows giving each other a firm handshake, and looked on in fury.

"I am _sooooo_ jealous of you right now."

**And there it is, the cliff hanger ending! If you're crazy enough to enjoy this, just review and…stuff. I'll start working on a sequel as soon as three people say they want one (anything for those three…) And OOOH! THINGY! **

**Don't f**k with the Gaga.**


	9. As far as crack! goes, this sucks

**Well, hello there. **

** It's been, like, three zillion years since I last updated, and I've posted up a sequel, but no one liked it, so….I'VE DECIDED TO CONTINUE THIS PIECE OF SHIT! YEAH! BORN THIS WAY! **

** Tara forever. And, before writing, I'd like to give thanks to the following: **

**VioletIsabelleLovett **

**CissaSnapeBlackrose **

**kama674 **

**Alias Bishie Joe Armstrong **

**toxicjade **

**hreft93 **

**Mimifry **

**Neutral-Chaotic **

**dollfackery **

**Piper Lestrange **

**.mew-tsubaki **

**HisDarkMistress **

**IHeartFantasy **

**inky14esset **

**Dylexa **

**SEN **

**The Mozzy One **

**Neko-chan –Silvered Tongue- **

**And, last but not least, these celebrities—**

**Katy Perry **

**Justin Bieber **

**Lady Gaga **

**All of those gay dancers in the Judas music video **

**And many more! **

**So, like, now I'll write. **

It was an amazingly gorgeous day in Kroger. Ke$ha was loitering in the front, but that was okay. But then…

"QUICK! THE MEAT!" screamed an amazingly sexy blonde man named Lucius Malfoy. He was supporting an equally sexy pregnant woman who was lying in a shopping cart, legs spread as she read a tabloid magazine. "SHE CAN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT THE MEAT DRESS!"

"I CAN'T DO IT!" screamed Narcissa, waving her arms wildly as she ran down an aisle. "TELL DRACO I LOVE HIM!"

Draco emerged from the cereal section, covered in cardboard. "THEY HAVE BOOKS IN CHEERIOS!" he shouted, Frosted Flakes in his hair. "And Taylor Swift is looking at laxatives!"

"_Woah_," said Lucius, briefly distracted. "Walk, walk, fashion— HOLY SHIT, WE'RE LOSING HER! QUICK, GET THE GODDAMNED MEAT!"

"You and me could write a bad romance," sang the tiny Gaga-fetus. "Seven a.m, waking up in the morning—"

"NO!" screamed Lucius, shoving bacon down Bellatrix's throat. She gasped and sat back up immediately.

"Thanks, man," she said, blinking out tears of blood. "That fetus _really_ gets on my nerves…."

She got out of the shopping cart with absolutely no grace and tripped out of Kroger, singing softly.

"Hi, Amanda Palmer!" she shouted. "Hi, Elton John! Hi, Ringo!"

"Hi, Bellatrix!" they all shouted.

Bellatrix sighed rather dreamily. "Hi, Rodolphus," she said, licking his ear. "Let's go to Hogsmeade and terrify villagers!"

"Anything you say," said Rodolphus, lifting her into their epic flying Mustang.

They played some pre-terrorizing music on the radio and laughed about really happy stuff like My Little Pony. It was going to be _such_ a wonderful day.

"Hi, Harry!" shouted Bellatrix as they landed. "Do you want to come terrorize villagers with me?"

"Um…no," said Harry. "Hey, do you want to be my date to Prom?"

"Wait…" said Rodolphus. "They've had Prom at Hogwarts for all these years and J.K Rowling didn't even bother to _mention_ so?"

"Yeah," said Hermione, checking out Bellatrix's vagina. "She's so fluffing stupid."

Bellatrix looked to her left. "Avada Kedavra," she said casually, and villagers screamed in horror. "Cool."

Lucius came out of nowhere. "My _God_," he said, giving Rodolphus elevator eyes. "You sleep with _this_?"

"Um, excuse me?" asked Rodolphus, looking offended. "I'm the only child of Johnny Depp and Marilyn Monroe, adopted by the rich and/or wealthy Lestranges, given pureblood injections for the majority of my life, _and_ I have bisexual tendencies. That's like, super haut. You're just a little mons†er devoted to protecting your mistress's fetus body. That's not even _close_ to super haut."

"Well, _you_ are a gay magnet!" shouted a flustered Lucius.

"So is Lady Gaga," retorted the only child of Johnny Depp and Marilyn Monroe. "Plus, she's in _my_ wife, who isn't a closet lesbian body inflation fetisher."

"AHHHH!" screamed Lucius. "Pikachu! Electric discharge!"

"Justin Bieber!" shouted Rodolphus. "BABY!"

"I'm sorry, Cissy, but Lucy's screwed," said Bellatrix. "He's so _cute_!"

"No!" shouted Narcissa. "I refuse to let you catch the fever!"

"Whatever," said Bellatrix, rolling her eyes. "Love me, love me, say that you love me…"

**And that's the ninth, sexy chapter. **

** You'd **_**better**_** review. **

** Love, **

** ME**


	10. Katy Perry is such a ho

**(looks up cheesy-like) Oh, hello. I didn't notice you there. **

** Thank you, reviewers! You, unlike Eminem, are wonderful! **

** Up until now, I haven't had anything against Eminem. Actually, I admired him for some stuff. Like, it was so bad it was good. But then, he released a song…a song who's name I can't mention…a song that disses the one rule of a Little Mons†er's life—don't f**k with the Gaga. And then, being the idiot he is, he f**ked with the Gaga! THAT BASTARD! I HATE HIM! **

** But I love you, so I'll write now. **

The Great Hall was amazingly sexy and delicious. Random students, ogres and Justin Bieber fans were dancing to no music, as Hogwarts Prom had not yet begun. Harry Potter stood in the corner, dressed as a pimp.

"Why can't we dance?" whined Ginny.

"One—you're white. Two—my lead ho isn't here. Three—GINGERS SUCK," said Harry, staring longingly at a picture of Snoop Dogg. "Man, my role models _suck_."

Then, suddenly, freakishly, with absolutely no warning, the entire main cast of the original eight/nine chapters fell through the roof, quickening a process that could've taken more than three sentences.

"_God_," murmured Voldemort, cracking his back several times in a row. "That _killed_ all chances of me ever losing my virginity properly."

"Does this make me look fat?" asked Narcissa in an unusually high-pitched voice. Her dress showed a bit too much of everything, like her ears and nose. **(I refuse to dirty your minds)**

"Bleh," said Bellatrix, completely ignoring her. "Hey…I think they spiked the punch!"

"Now, bitch," said Lucius, grabbing her arm. "Remember what I said about liquor. You can _only_ have red wine."

"Awww…"

Meanwhile, Draco was acting like the adorable socially awkward emo that he is. "Um, hi," he said as Harry passed him without a glance. "I got you pregnant last year…? No? You don't remember? Oh…"

Suddenly, TiK ToK was getting blared out of the speakers, and everyone was dancing like a whore.

"I LOVE THIS SONG!" screamed Cho Chang, who was a ho.

"Shut up, ho!" shouted Harry, whipping her.

Voldemort ran over to his date (Dolores Umbridge) and began to grind her. Rodolphus ran to his date (everyone in the room) and started rapping epically.

All the while, Bellatrix was, like any self-conscious weirdo, hiding behind the table, chugging a forty. "Girls just wanna have—DAMN IT! What the hell is that _stupid_ word?"

"Sex?" asked a hooded figure, emerging from the shadows.

Bellatrix backed away. "Please don't rape me."

"Wha—why the hell would I do that?" asked the figure, who upon un-hooding himself turned out to be Colin Creevey.

But Bellatrix had already run away screaming for mercy, and no, she didn't _want_ to get raped because when that happens in any story, movie or song, the author starts to experience awkward, mind-blowing flashbacks that don't actually have anything to do with his/her life.

It was at this point in this stupid, somewhat uneventful story that a large, penis shaped object fell through the roof. Nearly everyone screamed and hit the floor…except for our lovable idiots.

"OMIGAWD COLDPLAY TICKETS!" screamed Draco, his legs buckling.

"Hey…these aren't tickets," said Lucius, stroking the weird penis thing. "In fact—"

There was a crazy fluffing explosion, and they were flung to the floor as some giant crazy thing flew into the air. It was….

"This is the manifesto of Mother Mons†er," said the weird, ghostly apparition of Lady Gaga.

"HOLY SHITAKE MUSHROOMS!" screamed Lucius in happy awesomeness. "I LOVE YOU! SO MUCH! SO! FLUFFING! MUCH!"

"?" shouted Dumbledore.

"Shh…" whispered Bellatrix. "She's doing something…"

The weird, ghostly apparition of Lady Gaga _was_, believe it or not, doing something. She was…well…no one actually knows. But either way, if she was dancing or having an epileptic seizure, we will never know.

"Cheap…alcohol," she coughed, her eyes growing huge as she hacked on her airless lungs. "Damn it…if…you want a _slightly_ normal bad parody of me, please…DON'T…_**DRINK!**_"

She turned to the audience of pregnant teenagers and frowned. "Never drink during your pregnancies. Your children won't have limbs or brains. _Or_ penises."

And with the ring of her cell phone, she was gone.

"!" screamed Lucius, sobbing into Narcissa's breasts.


	11. EPIC! GORY! BIRTH SCENE!

**Here it is. **

** The epic event we have **_**all**_** been waiting for. **

** Even though it's so epic, it isn't the end. Though it should be. **

** But it **_**isn't**_**. Because I really like getting reviews. **

** This chapter contains the following: **

** Blood **

** Guts **

** Top 40 music **

** Product placement**

** Drug use **

** And a lot of other bull shit. **

** I really hope you enjoy this. And review. Because it took a lot of time to will myself to write this chapter. **

Unknown to the majority of internet users, the world is controlled by Facebook, which is controlled by Weird Al Yankovic, who is, in turn, a robot controlled by Lord Voldemort, who has, up until this point, been a relatively sane, well-read gentleman. But today, something totally unexpected has happened—it's exactly been three weeks since the due date of the ghostly apparition of Lady Gaga. But the ghostly apparition of Lady Gaga is still…not there. And everyone is _pissed_.

"Damn you, Bellatrix," said Lucius, banging his head calmly against the table. "I'm so _sick_ of waiting like this."

"Shut up," said Bellatrix, staring longingly at a picture of Mozart. "Cissy, could you get me some barbed wire? I'm hungry."

Narcissa sighed and turned up the volume on her iPod. "It felt so wrong, it felt so—"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Bellatrix. "I'M CHAINED TO A LA-Z-BOY, THERE'S CAUTION TAPE IN MY HAIR, IT'S ONE-HUNDRED AND EIGHT DEGREES OUTSIDE, DRACO'S WATCHING DISNEY CHANEL, WEIRD AL YANKOVIC'S DEAD, ROTTING BODY IS BEING STORED IN MY BEDROOM, MY HUSBAND IS A GAY ICON, AND I'M **SICK** OF LISTENING TO KATY PERRY!"

She paused, panting. "AND I DON'T HAVE A GODDAMNED WAFFLE IRON!"

She burst into miserable, bored, pregnant-lady/impatient three year old tears. This created a bit of an awkward silence for everyone, because, seeing as Bellatrix was in charge of the fate of their favorite superstar, she could easily get rid of it.

"Um," said Draco. "Do you guys want to go to…uh…a Nazi museum?"

"YEAH!" screamed everyone in joy. They ran outside and piled into the motorcycle sidecar. Dobby drove.

"Oh, raspberries are awesome," sang Lucius. "They smell awesome in women's shampoo..."

Bellatrix bitch slapped him. "You would know."

Within twenty minutes, they were at the Nazi museum. It was all very enjoyable until Draco almost killed himself in one of the gas showers. Then, they went back home.

"Bored," said Voldemort. "Bored. Bored. _Bored_…"

"Mmmmmma," groaned Bellatrix. "Someone play a ukulele or something."

"Okay!" said Draco, taking the opportunity to play his favorite song in the whole big sunny world. "When you were here before…"

"I couldn't look you in the eyes…" filled in Voldemort.

"You looked like an angel," sang Dobby.

"You're skin makes me cry," whispered Rodolphus.

"Let's just skip to the chorus," suggested Narcissa, and they did.

"I'M A CREEP!" shouted the cast. "I'M A WEIRDO! WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE? I DON'T BELONG HERE…"

They _were_ going to go on to the second verse, but then, the ghostly apparition of Lady Gaga had an epiphany. As much as she liked having a uterus all to herself where she was always on the top charts, she was bored of having only a placenta to talk to. Plus, it scared her.

Bellatrix screamed a bunch of words that the author censored, and so began…

**THE TOTALLY GORY BIRTH SCENE! **

"Oh…my…God," said Draco, who was tied to a chair place in front of Bellatrix's gaping genitalia.

"Shut up, Draco," said Narcissa. "See, I _always_ wanted you to see a baby/thing be born, but due to my craziness, you never got to see my own, bleeding, shit-wrecked, diseased vagina contract while—"

"OBLADI, OBLADA, LIFE GOES ON…RA!" screamed Draco, closing his eyes.

"Drugs," hissed Bellatrix. "Drugs. I want…_drugs_."

"Only a few more hours, Bellatrix," said Voldemort with agonizing calm. "Then we can start having sex again."

Bellatrix sniffed, coughed up some glitter, and felt confetti fly from her—_lady parts_.

"This is _so_ going on YouTube," muttered Wormtail, flipping out his secret camera. "Now, if only it was in HD…"

There was a gory, unmentionable event, and Narcissa screamed in horror as a small copy of the Eiffel Tower came out of…_lady parts_.

"SO FUCKING PAINFUL!" screamed Bellatrix.

"HOLY SHIT IT'S CROWNING!" screamed Lucius, and then, weird, fantastical orchestra music came out of nowhere. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked up, a bit confused. Then, the chaos started again.

"This is worse then getting Rick Rolled," whispered Draco, eyes huge.

"This is better than S&M porn," said Lucius, tongue hanging out.

"This makes me vomit banana peels," said Narcissa, vomiting banana peels.

"This strangely reminds me of _Conversations With Other Women_," said Voldemort thoughtfully.

Bellatrix just screamed.

Torrents of blood hit the crowd. Vortexes of confetti whipped at their hair. Giant pieces of aluminum that looked like Abraham Lincoln wrestled with Lucius. And then, with a scream, a Lady Gaga's head was…out.

There was a deathly pause. No one could take their eyes off of it. Even the fantastical music scratched to a stop.

"So…is she…" began Lucius, not able to go on.

Wormtail smiled. "_I_ know what to do," he said, taking out a large pot of water. "Throw it in, will you?"

Lucius gingerly picked up the head—it really was beautiful, all glistening and covered with…stuff—and placed it in gently.

Almost instantly, plumes of smoke and disco balls started to fly from it. There was a bunch of strange noises that sounded like a donkey raping a unicorn, and then, a figure stood, still obscured by the mist.

"W…T…F," whispered Bellatrix, licking her hand.

Suddenly, the mist cleared away, and who the figure was became totally obvious.

"That was probably the most cramped living quarters I've ever been forced to live in," said Lady Gaga, sighing a bit and wrapping herself in some barbed wire. "But, anyway, I love you all, buy my CDs, gay rights, whatever…ciao."

And she walked out of the door.

The cast sat there for a few seconds, totally in shock. Then, Lucius spoke.

"That's _it_?" he demanded. "We don't get paid?"

"I had to get all gross and chubby just so I could get dissed?" asked Bellatrix, eyes huge. "And then she _advertised_?"

"Well, there's something to be learned from this," said Draco. "Even though you love famous people, the likelihood of them not appreciating the millions of CDs you purchase or your obsessive behavior is pretty fluffing huge."

"That was…beautiful," said Voldemort. "But sad."

And the cast started to cry.

**So. Wasn't that DEVESTATING? **

** Review. Please. I need something to read that's kind of positive.**


	12. Possible ending! Or maybe not! So review

A long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

After the events of Chapter Eleven, the cast of the Totally Epical Adventures Of An Emo Hippie were all getting over…the events of Chapter Eleven. Due to some odd, completely unspecific reason, Lucius decided that they would cope in the best way possible: become flight attendants. So hence the chapter sort of begins…

**CHAPTER TWELVE: THE POSSIBLE FINALE THAT MAY OF MAY NOT IN ALL ACTUALITY BE THE LAST CHAPTER **

** P.S—THE AUTHOR IS VERY, VERY SORRY FOR THE LONG UPDATE AND WOULD LIKE TO SAY A GREAT BIG THANK YOU TO MEW-TSUBAKI, WHO CONTRIBUTED SOME IDEA-BITS TO THIS TERRIBLE PIECE OF ART. **

** THANK YOU AND ENJOY THE FILM. **

The plane was one of the finest of its craft: silver and shiny and sort of penis-shaped. The pilot's hands trembled as he put them on the steering-wheel-thing for the first time. There was a tear in his eye.

"Mom, dad, thank you for paying for my flight-school classes," he whispered, looking at the picture of his parents glued to the dashboard. "I will—"

"HEY! PILOT GUY!" shouted Severus Snape, wearing a fishnet body suit. "The plane is delayed due to technical difficulties, so get off the gate and buy yourself some tabloid magazines."

"Aww shit," cursed the pilot, crawling out of the cockpit. Snape waited until he was fully off of the plane before turning on the intercom.

"All systems a-go-go."

There was a roar as the engine started, and the flight attendants began to strut like RuPaul.

"Okay," shouted Narcissa Malfoy over the ridiculously loud plane noise. "Seat belts may prove to be fatal to body inflation fetishers. Just sa—"

Her words were lost in a scream as the plane took off with absolutely no warning whatsoever.

"SORRY!" shouted Snape. "SNAPE'S ON A PLANE!"

"Oh Gaga," sighed Lucius, sitting on some old lady. "Wow, this is like, _soooo_ comfortable!"

**IN DRACO LAND… **

Unknown to most of the world, there is a closet on every single plane in the entire world. This was currently where Draco Malfoy was sitting, crying desperately.

Two people were with him—'the mother/father/thing' of Voldemort, Harry Fucking Potter, and 'Mary Magdalene Is My Greatest Inspiration' Astoria Greengrass. Both were fighting.

"Well, ex-_cuse_ me, Jezebel, but I have a _child_ with Draco, therefore making him rightfully _mine_."

"Um, ex-queeeze me, H-P, but you don't even have a working uterus, and Draco wants a _real_ heir, not some gay butt sex baby."

"How can you prove that it's working or not? From the amount of abortions _you've_ had, that thing must be on it's last breath."

"Can you _please shut up_?" asked Draco, breaking into their conversation. "Why can't I just fuck both of you and call it a day?"

"SHUT UP!" shouted Astoria and Harry in unison.

"Stupid bitches," mumbled Draco, getting out of the closet and onto the actual plane-thing. "Now, if only—_Jesus Mary and Joseph, _what the _hell_ are you doing?"

"Shh," whispered Lucius, crouching over the knocked out-forms of the first-class passengers. "Can you drag them into that closet-thing?"

Draco stared at his father, then the bodies, then the chicken sitting next to his father.

"Gladly."

**I LOVE YOU, PEDOPHILE IN CENTRAL PARK. THAT COTTON CANDY WAS SO GOOD. **

** (don't ask. Please.) **

In the loud-ish roar of the plane's motor, Bellatrix Lestrange was thinking…about…um…

"I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT!" screamed Narcissa Malfoy, sucking on helium. "Bella! Bella!"

Bellatrix jammed her mouth against Narcissa's. You know, because sisterly love is _so_ normal in these pureblood families.

"Oh…my…Gaga," breathed Narcissa. "Are you into…body inflation?"

"Um…"

"TOO LATE!" shrieked Narcissa, pulling out her body inflation stuff. "Okay, so, are you into blueberry? Or are you only into boobs or something?"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!" screamed Bellatrix, running out of the tiny sub-closet. "AND GET THAT TUBE AWAY FROM MY ASS!"

"This is the manifesto of Mother Mons+er," whispered Wormtail into her ear, his tongue—

"AHHHHHH! WORMTAIL!" screamed Bellatrix, sobbing. "You're not supposed to _do_ that!"

Wormtail smirked and ran away. Bellatrix sighed in frustration and walked up to Lucius.

"Lucy," she said, feeling slightly more irritated than normal. "I have a feeling that we're not flight attendants for therapeutic reasons…so what's the catch?"

"Well," said Lucius quietly. "There's this plane, you see, with everyone from the Grammys on it…and the Oscars…and the Potters…"

Bellatrix gasped in utter delight. "You mean we're kidnapping and torturing celebrities until they collaborate on an interactive sing along game for preschoolers with severe normality issues?"

"Exactly, my love," said Lucius, kissing her. "So…um…wanna do it in the cock pit?"

**EVEN **_**MORE**_** STUPIDITY **

The Grammys/Oscars/Potters plane was having a smooth flight. Nothing was going wrong, and the egg salad sandwiches were delicious.

"Man, these egg salad sandwiches are delicious," said Justin Bieber, staring dreamily into the deep vortexes of Katy Perry's boobs. "Eggs…"

"Eggs…" sang the crew simultaneously. "Wonderful, fantastico, beautiful—"

"SHUT UP!" screamed Lady Gaga, cradling an egg carton. "YOU HAVE NO SYMPATHY TOWARDS THE GAYS!"

At that exact moment, Lucius Malfoy, dressed as a…thing…broke the window, used, up until that point, for a scenic atmosphere.

The effect was immediate—an enormous amount of celebrities were sucked through the window and, screaming loudly, spun through the air, certain of death.

**Later**

The Mother Mons+er groaned. She was bleeding (blue) and had vomit in her hair (red).

"Oh myself," she sang, because everything pop stars do is auto tuned and inserted into their singles. "Where in the name of Rocky am I?"

"Welcome to the land of obscurity!" shouted some deep, unconnected voice. "Here, nothing ever happens! Ever! You are just another crack whore with little talent and a fetish!"

"NOOOOO! MAKE IT STOP!"

"Ha. This should be humorous, but _no_. So…um…AUNT BELLA! HOW DO I TORTURE PEOPLE?"

There was a sigh, and Lady Gaga, covered in something resembling cheesecake, shivered on the floor.

"Okay, Draco," said another unconnected voice. "Really good torture has to be really stupid and implied in the stupidest way possible."

There was a long pause. "And…?"

Another sigh.

"Draco, here's the key."

There was the click of a lock opening, and a lone figure stood in the eerie mists and lights that should never be on an airplane.

"Oh God," said the torture-ee, panicking. "Oh God. You…"

"Yes," said Lucius Malfoy, holding up her egg carton. "I'm going to break it."

"!" she screamed.

"Wow," said Lucius, impressed. "You should auto tone that and put it on your next single. But I'm still smashing it."

She broke into hysterical wails and sobs and screams, flailing her limbs and crying as Lucius watched, shredding the egg carton with perfection.

"Okay, Lucy," said Bellatrix, adjusting her bra. "I think that was enough. We can let her out."

They waited patiently at the door, but Lady Gaga didn't move.

"Um…should we poke her or something?" asked Bellatrix nervously.

Lucius cautiously walked towards the crumpled, cheesecake-covered form and gingerly poked it.

Lady Gaga's eyes flickered open, and she hissed and screamed and—

"OH MY GAWD!" screamed Lucius, running out. "SHE'S BITING ME! GET A SPRAY BOTTLE OR SOMETHING!"

Bellatrix quickly grabbed a chainsaw and smashed it against Lady Gaga repetitively until she turned around, bared her freakishly sharp teeth, and climbed into an air vent. Dents appeared in the ceiling, and a claw-like hand ripped through a vent, and creepy, disgusting screaming noises were heard.

"What the fuck was that?" screamed Lucius, foaming at the mouth. "It _bit_ me!"

"Um…I don't understand this plot," said Draco, coming out of the secret passage. "So, if _one_ celebrity is a zombie/vampire/monster…"

"NO!" shouted Lucius and Bellatrix simultaneously. "DON'T—"

There was a terrible screeching noise against the door, and Ke$ha burst through, looking even dirtier than ever. "Brains," she said in that weird, weird, weird, zombie voice. "With…_jaaaack_."

"OMIGAWDOMIGAWDOMIGAWD," whispered Lucius, backing against the wall. "But why—?"

The sea of celebrities sort of shifted, and a figure stared menacingly at the cast.

"Hi, Draco!1" said Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, her eyes crying tears of blood. "wanNa XXcutXXX our arms?/"

**(terrifying void) **

"No," said Draco, staring in utter terror as Ebony was joined by Astoria and Harry, both dressed respectively as Hot Topic© junkies. "Oh Krishna no."

"Oh Satan _yes_," purred Ebony chewing on his ear. "Come with me, Darko, and become a vampire!"

"No, Draco!" shouted Astoria. "Don't believe her! She hadst a whore's proud forehead!"

Ebony turned to Astoria. "Holy shit, you sound like Tom Bombadil," she said. "You know, the guy with no nose…? But Draco, you said we could go to MCR together!"

"Draco, you're half of Voldemort's father!" said Harry beg-ishly. "I need help correcting our son's behavior!"

"NonononononoNO!" roared Draco, having a real freak out. "I'm NOT going out with you, Astoria, because you think you're a saint! I liked you _because_ you were a whore! And I'm not going with _you_, Harry, because I'm not a stereotypical bisexual that wants to fuck everyone in sight!"

He turned to everyone else in the room, because Draco seriously needs a Moment.

"Bellatrix, deal with the fact that you're not my mother!" he shouted. "And even though we went to that Mother/Son food extravaganza, I don't agree with basically anything you've ever told me EVER!

"Lucius, WTF is wrong with you? You're like, the only straight drag queen I know! And you're a pimp! I have too many half-siblings! And please, please, _please_ realize that no celebrity will _ever_ love you for who you really are!

"Narcissa, you crazy bitch.

"Marge, you should party with Narcissa. She has a body inflation fetish, so you gouys would be perfect together.

"Katy Perry, don't lie about your sexuality. Lady Gaga, it isn't morally right to use somebody's hymen for a hat. Justin Bieber, you should seriously talk to a doctor about that gland problem. And DAMN IT, I FUCKING HATE YOU, EBONY DARK'NESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY!"

He collapsed onto the floor, breathing heavily. Nobody could say anything yet—it was far too awesome of a moment.

"You…liked me _because_ I was a whore?" asked Astoria gingerly, taking off her shirt.

"I can respect that you don't want to have sex with me, Draco, but I still want child support," said Harry calmly.

"I understand that I'm not your mother," said Bellatrix, "but I still have slept with your father for the past sixteen years."

"I'm sorry that I haven't been a good father," said Lucius, studying his nails. "I just really, really like cashmere. And thongs. And shoes."

Narcissa blew smoke into his face. Marge blew some more.

"I''tstealMadonna'ssongOkayI'mapre-op," said the combined voices of Katy Perry, Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga.

Everyone looked at EDDRW. She coughed and looked up.

"I…I'm sorry," she said quietly. "My parents were just die-hard Catholics that wanted me to go to…law school. This was my only way out."

There was silence; then, peace.

**Nineteen seconds later **

Draco smiled crazily at his reflection. "Well. Now that _that_ shit's over with. Does anyone want to see…Twilight?"

And no one said no.

**It's possibly over! But it's possibly not! So, to encourage it still continuing, review! **


	13. The Late Anniversary Chapter

**Because I had to. **

It was a bright, sun-filled day in the land of Happiness and Rainbows. Two avatars were dancing colorfully through the hillside while singing their favorite song ever.

"DON'T STOP! BELIEVEING!" screamed the avatars of Narcissa Malfoy and Dolores Umbridge. "LA DI DA DUM _STUFF_!"

Just then, there was a sudden explosion, and Dolores Umbridge collapsed, dead, as a figure on a unicorn stepped through a vortex, shiny blonde hair shimmering in the magical bubblegum scented wind. It was…Draco!

"Damn it, Gayco!" cursed Narcissa in real life, putting down her Xbox controller. "Me and Dolores were about to pillage a village in—that rhymes."

"Sorry, Mom," said Draco, setting down his own controller and gulping down some Lucky Charms. "Can we go to Target so I can get a Superman t-shirt?"

"No," barked Narcissa, staring at the screen. "Go ask your father—I need to roleplay."

Draco sighed and walked up the stairs to the second part of the living room/kitchen/bathroom, where Lucius was applying lipstick and dreamily humming 'Send in the Clowns'.

"Dad?" asked Draco, biting his lower lip. "Can you please take me to an American Target so I can purchase a Superman t-shirt with money that I earned selling crystal meth to children in Nevada?"

Lucius whirled around and growled. "Damn it, I have a drag show at three, Draco, and I really can't support your attempt to be manly! Go sit in a corner and cry!"

Draco's lower lip trembled precariously, and he quietly sat in the bathtub. He stared at the wall for a moment with a deadpan stare; then, he began to dye his hair pink. He was about halfway done when there was a quiet knock at the door, and he called "Come in."

Slowly, the door opened and Bellatrix Lestrange quietly, almost docile in movement, stepped in and sat on the closed toilet.

"Hey, Draco," she said, looking relatively depressed.

"Hey, Bellatrix," he replied, finishing up his hair. "How are you?"

"Oh, it's the anniversary of my first abortion," she sighed, licking blood off of her nails. "And you know, if I let it live, it would've been as old as you, and a thousand times more gay. So, do you want to go to America with me and smoke meth?"

"Of course I would!" exclaimed Draco, hopping out of the tub, completely naked. "Can we see Coldplay?"

Bellatrix stared at him. "Sometimes I worry about you."

Draco shrugged. "It's the hair, right?...so can we _please_ go like right now?"

"Totally," said Bellatrix, and they hopped into their magical yellow submarine.

Four hours of LSD filled fun later, the pair arrived in the scariest, most demonically horrible place in the entire Milky Way Galaxy—New Jersey.

Lightening illuminated and thunder thundered, but they still drove on until a beautiful red logo appeared.

"DRIVE FASTER!" screamed Draco, pulling her hair. "QUICKLY, BEFORE SOME OTHER FANGIRL TAKES MY SHIRT!"

They pulled into the magical parking lot and ran at top speed to the doors. For a moment, Draco had an odd sense of déjà vu before entering, and the smell of bubblegum pierced his nostrils. _That's weird_, he thought as Bellatrix ran ahead, immediately grabbing Reese's Pieces. _That only happens when…_

He stared, puzzled, as a blonde girl with pink streaked hair and heavily pierced ears stepped in front of him. "Hey," she said quietly, her gray eyes hazy in the bright lights of Target. "Um, did you know that you're my male alter ego?"

"No, you're my _female_ alter ego," said Draco, looking at the weird girl who was holding hands with a guy who looked suspiciously like a member of LMFAO. "Who's that?"

"He's my uncle, Billy The Great And Shiny," said the alternative universe girl. "I'm Delilah. Do you want candy?"

"Is it Swedish fish?"

"Yeah! That's my favorite candy ever!"

They immediately began running through Target together, and they learned really awesome things about each other like

Delilah had an assortment of funny animal hats,

Draco collected TV guides and Neil Gaiman comics,

Delilah had been born with wings,

and, finally, they were both furries.

"Wow, you're like, everything I've ever looked for in a person," said Draco in amazement. "Except for, um, a tail. And you're not a monkey. But other than that, you're really cool!"

"I like you, too," smiled Delilah, looking sad.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, we're parallel versions of each other…"

"So?"

"It'll never work out."

"_So_?"

"Where's our uncle-aunt, anyway?"

They looked around and suddenly realized that the majority of Target had been either burned down or painted green. A dog was whining somewhere, and the sound of angry orchestra music pierced the air.

"Never again, man, never again," laughed Bellatrix from the grocery aisle, and the boy-girl walked quickly to where the uncle-aunt was. "How do you do this, anyway?"

"Just rub your hair really fast in a towel," said Billy The Great And Shiny, making her hair look just like his. "Wow, Trixie, you're pretty cool for someone with boobs."

"You're pretty cool for looking like a sold out talentless pop group," replied Bellatrix, seeing the boy-girl. "Hey! Draco and Draco-girl! I found the Superman shirts!"

"Awesome!" exclaimed the boy-girl together, grabbing their t-shirts. "When do we go to Seven Eleven?"

The adults looked very sad, and than Billy The Great And Shiny sighed. "Well, guys, this really sucks, but this Target is one of the only portals where our dimensions meet."

"So…we can't be best friends forever?" asked Delilah, looking like she'd cry.

"No, no, no," said Bellatrix quickly. "We're going to visit once a week, okay? Because you guys are really awesome. And one day, when we find a cure to multi-dimension paradoxes, all of us can live together in a castle. In France. With a boombox."

"That sounds pretty boss," said Draco quietly, hugging Delilah. "You're the coolest girl ever."

"You're the coolest man-friend ever," she answered, teary-eyed. "Next Tuesday, okay?"

He nodded, and then, for the last time that week, they left Target and went to separate worlds with the same t-shirt.


	14. I'm not sure what this is

**Hey, ya'll. **

** Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been busy in therapy, playing with dolls and reenacting my childhood. Trust me, it wasn't pretty… **

** Anyway, this is sort of parodying stuff, sort of pointing out societal flaws, and sort of serving as a source of advertisement for various commercial enterprises. **

** Also… **

** THE FIRST DISCLAIMER EVER! **

** I do not own any of the following: **

** Harry Potter, J.K Rowling, the Disney corporation, POM Wonderful, Morgan Freeman, Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, the Beatles, Radiohead, Superman, Target, and then some. However, I do own Delilah. Yeah. I own that bitch. **

** Everybody shares Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way. **

** …you're all my nubbins… **

_It was a dark age. _

_ Things were being thrown out of open car windows. Pizza parlors were ravaged by zombies. American television dominated the lives of every citizen to ever walk the Earth that had an IQ below two hundred. _

_ So began the great age of government control. _

_ So began the birth of the resistance. _

…

"Draco, what the hell is this?" asked Bellatrix, reading the manuscript with her super-special reading glasses on. "I mean, lovely wordplay and all, but honestly, where is this going?"

"It's kind of a story about how idealistic government turns out to be a total pile of shit," said Draco matter-of-factly. "Ready to advertise? Okay, kids, get ready:

_Wow! Twilight Sparkle will _totally_ hook up with Princess Luna, am I right? _

_ You thought you knew My Little Pony before, but that will all change. Now, the new spinoff, Lesbians are Magic, will rock your brony world! WOAH! Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie? DJ PON-3 and Rarity? DERPY HOOVES AND CADANCE? _

_ Think about the boners! THINK ABOUT IT! _

Well, that settles a part of the advertisement. Was that any good, Bella?"

Bellatrix furiously slipped her vibrator back into her purse. "No," she snapped angrily, her hair a mess. "God, you're such a slut! Um. Anyway. Draco. Guess what?"

"What?" asked Draco. "Are you having an affair with my father?"

"Um…no. But, err, wanna kidnap One Direction and torture them?"

"Not worth the effort, honestly. I'm all for more Gaga torture, though."

"We've kind of overdone that."

"So? It's entertaining. Our reviewers seem to really dig that."

"Don't say dig."

"Why?"

"Just because."

"Can we please torture Gaga?"

Bellatrix sighed. "Okay."

…

_In some fancy, ridiculously expensive hotel room…_

Taylor Kinney, **utter fucking douche bag who stole my future wife**, boredly (**why isn't boredly a word? It should be a word. Eh) **smoking a cigarette, was totally unaware of his girlfriend, who was in the process of being tied up by our lovable heroines.

"Man, what a douche bag," said Draco through his leather S&M mask. "Shut up, Gaga. We need to torture you so we can get more reviews for our dry, totally out of character humor."

Bellatrix looked up thoughtfully. "Hey, Draco…we haven't been through a sex scene yet."

The bound Gaga let out a muffled shriek.

…

Lucius squealed. "No _way! _You actually brought Lady Gaga into my manor in order for me to have sex with her and then marry her so Narcissa can marry Hermione and fulfill her body inflation fantasies?"

"Well, yeah," said Draco, dragging the body bag into the drawing room. "Who's ready for some hot vaginal sex?"

Everyone screamed in delight, and Lady Gaga was pulled out of the bag.

Narcissa went first.

Carefully, she parted the legs, instantly hypnotized by the rainbow vagina of happiness and delight. "It's so…shiny," she whispered, poking it lightly. Gaga moaned and tried to wriggle away.

"That's enough! It's my turn!" shouted Voldemort, dancing forward. He violently smelled her hair and ate some. "OMG! It tastes like cotton candy!"

**Okay, so maybe I should've been more discreet in the beginning, but I don't care. Look, everyone! Sex! **

Suddenly, there was a really epic sex scene that left all of the characters coated in semen and rainbows. By the looks of it, everybody had been impregnated to some extent, and Lady Gaga was shivering in the corner, her eyes enormous while she rocked back and forth.

..

"Definitely not our best chapter, but I guess that's okay," said Draco. "I mean, we still have a T rating."

"True," said Bellatrix. "Hey, Draco."

"What?"

"Penis." 


End file.
